I really hate dealing with anxiety, I REALLY hate it.
I don't struggle with anxiety all of the time, like right now as I sit here and write this, I'm OK. I feel good, content, at ease. I don't feel bad about myself, I'm not overly worried about anything. I'm chilled, calm and relaxed.
But then I have days like Sunday, where I feel awful and it's all totally out of the blue. It's like it's almost like a roll of a dice how I'm going to wake up feeling sometimes. Though I know it's maybe more to do with certain triggers than a dice roll.
On Sunday all I could feel was low self-esteem, panic, worry, nervousness, negativity. And no matter what I did, I just couldn't shake those feelings. I was at home, nothing had happened, I was in my place of comfort with my boys. But for some reason I just felt all out of place, like I didn't belong, like I wasn't good enough. My chest was tight, my eyes were close to tears, my head was full of nothing but self-doubt. I held it together for as long as I could before I burst out crying, my breathing got heavier and I felt like I was panicking. It was horrible and it was hard trying to hide it from the boys.
It's happened before to that extent and usually once I've had a cry and have sort of let it out I start to feel better, but not on Sunday. It just wouldn't go. My chest stayed tight the entire evening. I tried to watch X Factor and relax, Adam even offered to massage me to try and relax me but it wouldn't go and all I wanted to do was hug him tightly.
I woke up the next morning feeling better but my chest was still as tight. Determined not to have another horrible day, I made myself put make up on, I took some time out to have some time to myself whilst Logan napped and Ethan was at pre-school. I filmed a few videos for my youtube channel, including the one below where I opened up about my anxiety. Strangely, despite the fact that being on camera usually makes me feel more anxious, it made me feel better. It gave me a distraction and actually doing something that usually made me feel anxious made me feel better about myself and more confident.
Since then I've worked my way back to feeling good again. Those feelings I felt on Sunday have passed and I feel more in control again. I said to Adam that my anxiety makes me feel like I am about to jump out of a plane, without the jumping out of the plane. It's like a fear, a dread, an unconfidence, a nervousness, a what-am-I-doing? I'm glad I don't feel like that too often, I get anxious but I mostly deal with it. Days like those where I just can't shake it are horrible.
Anxiety isn't the worst thing in the world to have, there's far worse, but knowing how horrible it can be to have days like that and knowing how easy it is to look at other peoples lives and think that everyone else has got it together, when the reality is of course that we all have our own personal struggles, no matter what they might be, makes me realise how important it is to share this part of me just as I share the other parts of my life on my blog.
I recorded the below three minute video on Monday, the morning after. I was feeling really anxious at the time, but filming it and feeling like I was opening up about living with anxiety made me feel slightly better. I hope that if someone reads this or watches it that ever feels similar, that they'll realise that there are others who go through the same thing and that I am one of them.
I don't struggle with anxiety all of the time, like right now as I sit here and write this, I'm OK. I feel good, content, at ease. I don't feel bad about myself, I'm not overly worried about anything. I'm chilled, calm and relaxed.
But then I have days like Sunday, where I feel awful and it's all totally out of the blue. It's like it's almost like a roll of a dice how I'm going to wake up feeling sometimes. Though I know it's maybe more to do with certain triggers than a dice roll.
On Sunday all I could feel was low self-esteem, panic, worry, nervousness, negativity. And no matter what I did, I just couldn't shake those feelings. I was at home, nothing had happened, I was in my place of comfort with my boys. But for some reason I just felt all out of place, like I didn't belong, like I wasn't good enough. My chest was tight, my eyes were close to tears, my head was full of nothing but self-doubt. I held it together for as long as I could before I burst out crying, my breathing got heavier and I felt like I was panicking. It was horrible and it was hard trying to hide it from the boys.
It's happened before to that extent and usually once I've had a cry and have sort of let it out I start to feel better, but not on Sunday. It just wouldn't go. My chest stayed tight the entire evening. I tried to watch X Factor and relax, Adam even offered to massage me to try and relax me but it wouldn't go and all I wanted to do was hug him tightly.
I woke up the next morning feeling better but my chest was still as tight. Determined not to have another horrible day, I made myself put make up on, I took some time out to have some time to myself whilst Logan napped and Ethan was at pre-school. I filmed a few videos for my youtube channel, including the one below where I opened up about my anxiety. Strangely, despite the fact that being on camera usually makes me feel more anxious, it made me feel better. It gave me a distraction and actually doing something that usually made me feel anxious made me feel better about myself and more confident.
Since then I've worked my way back to feeling good again. Those feelings I felt on Sunday have passed and I feel more in control again. I said to Adam that my anxiety makes me feel like I am about to jump out of a plane, without the jumping out of the plane. It's like a fear, a dread, an unconfidence, a nervousness, a what-am-I-doing? I'm glad I don't feel like that too often, I get anxious but I mostly deal with it. Days like those where I just can't shake it are horrible.
Anxiety isn't the worst thing in the world to have, there's far worse, but knowing how horrible it can be to have days like that and knowing how easy it is to look at other peoples lives and think that everyone else has got it together, when the reality is of course that we all have our own personal struggles, no matter what they might be, makes me realise how important it is to share this part of me just as I share the other parts of my life on my blog.
I recorded the below three minute video on Monday, the morning after. I was feeling really anxious at the time, but filming it and feeling like I was opening up about living with anxiety made me feel slightly better. I hope that if someone reads this or watches it that ever feels similar, that they'll realise that there are others who go through the same thing and that I am one of them.
I suffer with this too and I've only just identified it, for ages I couldnt understnad why I would feel so low and different to the day before. I think being a new mum has added to this feeling and triggers it more sometimes.
ReplyDeleteyour not alone xx
harrietloves.co.uk
Wow I feel as though I could have written this. I have had CBT and counselling which has been a big help, but I still feel like this sometimes. youre definitely not alone. I have a beautiful 3 month old baby boy who is my absolute world, and I feel so guilty for still feeling this way :-( xx
ReplyDeleteIm so glad I found your blog. I feel exactly the same way about my anxiety, its like I wrote this post. It comes in waves, somedays Im fine and other days I have this feeling of dread in me. I hate that I feel nervous for no reason. Sometimes I feel down and like my life is not going as great as others. I also loved your video on loneliness as a stay at home mom. Im a mom to a 2 year old, and this the video gave me so much support and comfort to know someone feels the same way as me. Thank you for opening up and being so honest, you have so much courage to do so. If you ever are looking for topics to blog about, I would love to hear how you balance a relationship with your husband and being a mom. Im finding that Im really struggling with that part of my like. The being a good wife part that is. thanks again!
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